All of those years I said yes, and really meant no. All of those times I agreed to do something that I genuinely did not want to do. All of those times I refrained from rolling my eyes because I would physically be hurt by it. All of those years I kept my mouth shut, only to bottle up anger and frustration deep within my body. It all comes back.
This is not something I knew growing up. I was not taught how to connect with and channel my emotions in a healthy way. I was not taught what emotions truly are. I was not taught that it was okay to feel "bad emotions" so we call them..like anger and frustration and annoyance. So I learned to be in-genuine. I learned to be something other than who I am. I learned how to keep a smile on my pretty face while I was screaming for help on the inside. Pent up emotions and feelings bubbling up to the surface, and all I learned was to shove them down even further.
It's been a scary year for me. A scary, wonderful year of truly letting all of the things I've shoved away in my psyche to come to surface, so it can properly be released and let go of. I'm finally beginning to feel better about this whole awakening to who I am process. Now, I know this will be a continuous journey as long as I am here on Earth...however, I have a better grip on what's going on. I've been meditating frequently, and practicing yoga as much as I can. Without these two things, I would be a mad woman. I forget the power of both of them when I stop practicing them.
When I was with my ex, I slept with him several times, even though I didn't want too (towards the end). I said no several times, but didn't really enforce that, and still allowed it to happen...Burrowing myself deeper in my own embarrassment and guilt, I lost my voice..I lost my power. I gave it away so easily to a man I knew I didn't want to be with anymore. All of those times I wanted to say no, I didn't.
In yoga today (and several other times) I will be in an asana (today was paschimottanasana) and I could feel this agitated, aggressive, controlling, uncomfortable energy from my hips down the back of my legs all the way to my big toe, and I just wanted to scream with anger. This energy trapped within my body is mean and nasty, and not mine.... I inhaled deeply and found myself in a trance. My head started shaking no uncontrollably. With each exhale the shaking got more intense...I'm sure the woman next to me thought I was crazy. Even Mike, my boyfriend who was teaching the class, came over and asked if I was okay.
I couldn't control it. The NO just wanted to shake it's way out of me, as if finally being heard and finally being released. In savasana, our final pose, I was drawn to do supported bridge. There's an area in my sacrum, more so on my right side, that's really been agitating me lately. It hurts so bad, and so badly wants to be released. I wonder how much of this sensation I'm feeling is pent up blockages in my Muladhara Chakra, or root chakra. It would make sense, so I'm excited to see what this release will be like....a little nervous too.
So anyway, I'm laying with the block under my sacrum and the serious discomfort in this area is getting worse. I couldn't handle it anymore and sloooooowly lowered myself down onto my mat and burst into silent tears. The pain, the agitation, the guilt, the shame, I was feeling it all. I was doing really good at silently balling as I felt a comforting hand touch my chest. Mike had come over after giving someone some savasana love to put his hand on my heart, help relax me and show me he was there, and then grabbed my hand over my mouth and kissed it. (He's so much more than amazing..)
I vow to myself, and practice this promise every day, to do my very best never to be dishonest with myself anymore. It is no way to live, and I never want to put myself through this kind of discomfort again. I will strive to be honest, clear, open, and raw with myself. For it will create a path for me to walk that is clear as day. I want to love myself unconditionally, and do everything I can to feel that within myself.
For anyone reading this. If you are anything but honest and compassionate, if you keep things in and shove them down, they'll come back....resistance persists...and it will come back stronger, and stronger, and stronger, until you've acknowledged it and mindfully let it go. Take it from me, it's not worth living that way anymore. This anger has been wanting to surface for quite sometime now. Out of habit, I eat sugary foods like chocolate when I feel it start to come. Instead of meditating and creating a safe space for this energy to rise, I shove food in my mouth and lift myself away from my problems, only to be in the same place the next night. Even more so down the rabbit hole. If you have some sort of addictive behavior like I'm talking about, notice what it is that happens before you start to binge eat or have sex or smoke...Somethings going on, and it's up to you to find a safe space to experience whatever it is......I still have to find the courage to allow this dark scary energy to come up....And I will..because I can't run anymore. I can't hide from this anymore. It's exhausting and I Just can't do it.
Be good to yourself. And know, your inner being is always doing everything it can to help you. You are never away from who you really are.