Bringing It To The Surface

I recently had someone tell me they had read all of my blogs and enjoyed them.
This made me realize I hadn't written in over two months, not to mention I had personally forgotten the content of which I had written about. So it was interesting to read about where I was at during those months. Especially after my last blog post being about you all following me upon the journey I was about to embark on, but I was in a place of believing barely anyone was reading them, and I had lost interest within myself to continue.

But I realize now, I  write for myself. I write about me, for me, to me. I enjoy speaking about what I'm going through without any hesitation. I enjoy being personal and sharing my struggles. When I share my struggles and pain, it's never bad. Being in pain, feeling fear, feeling sadness, feeling angry, it's all okay. I like talking about it, because I'm finally beginning to feel the broad spectrum of emotions.

I had an old friend message me and say he was experiencing anger, hate, and doesn't want to drink and smoke anymore. 

This brought me back to a time when I was heavy into drugs, smoking and drinking whenever I felt the want too. Destroying myself from the inside out because I had no idea how to handle the pain I'd been through. I had no idea how to handle how much I disliked myself, my thoughts, my actions, and my behaviors. I had no idea how to handle not knowing who I was. I felt lost, confused. What was I doing? Where was I? What am I doing....

Thoughts and feelings I had always run from. I had mentioned in a previous post how an emotion of some sort would begin to rise and I'd out of habit eat chocolate to keep myself from feeling whatever it was. The voice in my head would simply say "Sarah....."every time I'd reach for something that I didn't actually want to consume...and I'd persist. I'd quite the voice. I'd numb myself. But I thought I was making myself feel better. I was running myself in destructive circles. Everyday wanting more healing, more kindness in my heart and more honesty. More sweetness and more compassion.. and yet I wasn't feeling this...I was miserable. Unhappy. Mad. Angry. Frustrated. Irritated....

I've been gluten free for one week now. I also enjoy eating a vegan diet. I sometimes consume eggs or honey. But mainly vegan. I've had stomach problems for a while and I think that I would eat a lot of food when I wasn't hungry to keep me from feeling the discomfort in my stomach. Not to mention I would have terrible gas, daily...that's a terrible way to be living, let me tell you....

So being gluten free for one week, I've been feeling much better. My stomach feels better and I've had very minimal gas, which is huge for my body.

I know processed sugars don't agree with me either. I'm currently consuming a vegan hot cocoa I made from scratch, and I have vegan marshmallows, and the little amount of marshmallows I've had have already caused some gas within me. So, maybe no sugar soon too..I really am trying to listen.

On another note, I don't believe I was working last time I wrote. I was job searching and turning down every place that hired me. It all felt wrong, but I didn't know why.....until Mike and I talked one day. I had nonchalantly brought up working at the car wash he owns a few times, and then him and I discussed it as a real possibility. So, I started working there, realized the manager he had was doing a terrible job, realized the place was not in good condition and change needed to happen. So, he brought me on as part owner in April. It's been a little challenging, learning the bookkeeping, how to do scheduling, how to do payroll, what to know about the wash and how to handle employee and customer relations. There's been a lot of growth within the business and myself the past month and I've gotta say, it feels good. 

Mike also left for a Vipassana retreat where I couldn't talk to him for 10 days....longest, hardest 10 days ever! Within 5 minutes of his return, he proposed to me. I was blown away, not expecting this at all. Deep down I've wanted this from the moment I met him. He's in the other room watching a movie and I so badly would like to go snuggle into his arms. 

It's so strange...I've really been doing a great job and letting go and allowing. I can reflect upon every area of my life and see that it's everything I've ever dreamed of. The guy, the house, the yard, the backyard, the meals I cook, the job, the freedom, the awareness. I have everything right here in front of my eyes and I KNOW I'm still very blind to it all. 

Oh right....something else has been happening too....I've been thinking about wanting a baby lately, which felt good and bad at the same time....Long story short, I realized and told Mike that I've been wanting a baby out of fear of something happening to him and me being left alone....Big thing to realize, and big thing to try and let go of. I know nothing lasts forever, and the most successful way to live is in the moment, grateful for what is here now. I've got a lot of work to do, trying to be HERE NOW, in this moment, present with myself and what's around me.

I've enjoyed letting this out, and am ready to go squeeze my man. Thank you all for reading.

Sat nam.