I figured it would be beneficial to post about my observations, reflections & realizations after my Ayahuasca experience.
Mike has now gone down to Peru 4 different times for Ayahuasca. From the experience I had, he believes I didn’t have too strong of an experience with the medicine, and that it would be beneficial to go down again.
A few of my main struggles/issues are that I think negatively, and I fear so much.
I fear growing, change, being happy, letting go, surrendering, being myself, being seen, being heard. I judge myself constantly and I struggle with self love.
I can recognize how destructive my thoughts are when I let myself listen to negative things. Once I allow myself to fall down this deep hole for too long, the momentum is so strong and I begin to lose myself in a negative downward spiral. When the momentum gets that strong, it’s so difficult to pull myself back up.
Since Peru, I’ve realized how lazy I am. I am lazy in ALL areas of my life, and that causes me a lot of stress. I am lazy when it come to cleaning (although I HAVE been working on this), lazy when it comes to initiating sex, lazy when it comes to studying and growing as a Yoga Teacher, just lazy overall. I’m lazy when it comes to self growth, as much as I want it.
This is a pattern that’s hard to break, but now that I can see it, I can begin to work on it even more.
I’ve learned since Peru that I am constantly comparing myself to EVERYONE around me, thinking I need to be doing what THEY are doing (if they are happy and seem to be thriving). If they’re happy, I should do what they do to be happy too, right? Wrong. They have different goals and intentions than I do. I have to put my blinders up, stay in my lane, and continue to move forward.
I cause myself a lot of stress, because I’m hard on myself. I have a hard time opening up and talking about how I feel.
There have been residual realizations since Peru that keep presenting themselves to me. Right now, I have really bad acne. My cystic acne is flaring up, I have white heads and my scars seem more vibrant. I am internally freaking out, and am still coming to find out why. I believe a part of it is stress, a part of it is not growing. I’ve been holding myself back from growth, because of what? Change? Accepting how I’ve been lazy and forgiving myself for waisting precious time?
It can be really difficult stopping STRONG momentum, and turning the direction around. Right now, I’m just trying to breathe, to notice my thoughts, and to relax a little. Restorative yoga is CALLING my name. This type of yoga allows suppressed emotions to begin to surface, so I’m making it a priority this week to stay focused on my goals:
1. Relax and pamper myself
2. Drink lots of water and eat well
3. Get good sleep and read more books
4. Exercise and stretch daily
5. Stop lying and making excuses
6. Do what I know I need to do
If anyone is interested in going down to Peru, it’s really important its a good center. Aya is becoming a great profit for people, and anyone can get their hands on it. If you're going, be careful, listen to your heart, and trust yourself.